15 New And Improved Arguments Your Children Can Have In The 15 Minute Drive to Daycare

A timeless argument. It does not matter what day of the week it *actually* is, a child will pick one of the other six days and double down on their lie with the confidence of a rich white man accused of literally anything. Fun!

5 min read
1) Who Is Allowed To Look Out Specific Windows

Brought to you by the people who perfected the popular, “He’s doing that thing with his face again,” and “she’s breathing loud at me,” this new spin on complaining about your sibling’s mere existence is sure to be a crowd pleaser! Catch your older brother daring to gaze out of the window closest to you instead of his own?! How dare he!

2) A Continuation of the Argument They Had Over Who Got To Open The Screen Door On The Way Out of the House

A fun way to bring a pointless fight from one location to another.

3) Whether There are Boats in the Water, Even Though Boats are Incredibly Visible to Everyone With Eyes

A great option if you happen to pass a body of water on your daily commute. One child notices a boat and mentions it offhandedly. Another child, you know the one, will insist there is no boat, just to be an asshole. This is a perfect way to con a parent/older sibling into a useless argument. They might think child 2 didn’t see the boat and will helpfully point it out only to be met with a howler monkey screech that THERE ARE NO BOATS!

4) What Day of The Week It Is

A timeless argument. It does not matter what day of the week it *actually* is, a child will pick one of the other six days and double down on their lie with the confidence of a rich white man accused of literally anything. Fun!

5) Who Loves Mommy More

This argument’s draw lies in its sneaky opening as the parent in question will secretly enjoy the ego stroking of the first few volleys. Its power lies in increasing the decibels of the argument. This argument is not complete until Mommy yells, “IF YOU LOVED ME YOU’D STOP YELLING, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.”

6) The Great Radio On or Radio Off Debate

Best used when there’s a song on that approximately half of the car really loves and the other half hates. A cooperative argument experience where no one wins and everyone is grumpy.

7) Whether or Not a Sun Beam can “Get Off My Leg!” With Parental Involvement*

Nothing like a good discussion on light refraction before the coffee kicks in! Science should always come with a side of tears and heavy sighs as it’s explained that no, Mom actually can’t control the position of the planet at any one time and if she could you bet your booty she’d make bedtime last longer. *This argument is not valid in vehicles with passenger window sunshades. Your parents love you enough to shield you from UV rays. Sit this one out, champ.

8) Whom Is Mean To Whom

The classic coin flip of an argument. The answer is always both.

9) Who Is the Rightful Owner of This Random Piece of Trash

Leftover sticky hand from a birthday party six months ago? A fuzz-covered lollipop left in the center console to rot? These are trash, right? No! They’re obviously the forgotten Treasure of the Sierra Madre! Declarations of war will ring throughout the interior of the minivan as these tiny NFT traders decide on a whim that a Paw Patrol cupcake topper is now the most valuable trinket in the universe.

10) Whether or Not Birds Eat Bugs AND Spiders Eat Bugs

Much like any Twitter thread trying to inform people about literally any topic, one child will state a fact and another child will chime in with a “well, actually” and the whole pleasantly informative life science discussion will go to hell.

11) If They Like Macaroni and Cheese

They do. They’ll argue about it anyway. Just to fuck with you.

12) Will it Be a Good Day or Not?

The perfect way to make an innocuous question asked by a parent trying to be involved in their child’s life into a vicious presidential debate. One side will present a clearly explained reasoning detailing that today’s show and tell and water play activities will make it a good day and the other will scream “It’s not a good day!” repeatedly without any actual evidence to back up their claim. Ahh, politics in action.

13) Whether Mommy is Happy or Grumpy

Mommy’s teeth are gritted and her forehead has more lines than a TJ Maxx in December, but someone will insist Mommy is happy and ask “You happy, right Mommy?” forty-seven times in thirty seconds.

14) Whether Mommy Broke a Traffic Law By Turning Right On Red

This will somehow evolve into an argument about red meaning stop and green meaning go. One child will argue that red means go and green means stop and someone will say something about it being Opposite Day and Mom will try the breathing exercises from Lamaze class and realize they still don’t make a damn difference in anything this painful.

15) Who Gets To Say “We’re Here!” First Upon Finally Arriving at Daycare

Self-explanatory. Just to reiterate what you already thought, the answer to “Can these children fight about literally anything?” is yes. Yes, they can. These children will continue to argue until forced to part, wherein they will cling to each other and sob about being away from each other. Spoiler: they will begin fighting immediately upon their eventual reunion this afternoon.