Henpecked Hal: 18 Hilarious Tweets From One of the Funniest Dads on the Internet

Henpecked Hal is no stranger to the chaos. From chaotic car-rides to the definition of quality bonding time, Hal has no issue keeping it real with his little ones. As much as his kids still have to learn, Hal's experiences show us that we as parents are always learning as well! Here are 18 times Hal had us rolling on the floor with his Twitter adventures.

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#1 Boundaries are important in parenting…

It dawned on me today that when my son wants to talk about Pokémon, he doesn't *really* want to talk about Pokémon. What he wants is to share his excitement and knowledge. What he wants is to bond with his dad. What he wants is quality time together. Still, it's a hard no.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 25, 2022

#2 I think we’ve all been in a similar situation once or twice

Have to go help my 4 year old adjust her socks until they feel good. Talk to you guys on Monday.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 20, 2022

#3 If you want your life, then yes

As my wife kissed us goodbye and headed out for her "girls' trip," she said, "I hope the house is as clean as I left it when I get back." I should just check into a hotel with the kids for the weekend, right?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) April 22, 2022

#4 It’s called selective hearing!

waiter: "anything to drink?"

4 year old: "my mom needs a fucking margarita"

So, yeah, they're always listening.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 28, 2022

#5 Just wait until they have to use a cup they DON’T want to use

Tell me you're a parent without telling me you're a parent:

When a cup gets too popular I have to take it out of circulation.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 25, 2022

#6 It’s a rough life kid, I know

Jeez, I'm sorry to hear you're bored, son. You know, I haven't done a single thing related to my personal interests since the day you were born, but please, go on.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) December 19, 2021

#7 Seriously kid, read the room

My kindergartener complaining that my breath smells as I am wiping his ass really highlights the audacity of a child.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) December 17, 2021

#8 3-5 is generous, just wait until they’re teens

Age 2: Terrible Two
Ages 3-5: Terrible Too
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 10, 2021

#9 We are all amateurs before we are professionals

The first time I threatened to "turn this car around!" we'd just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven't fully recovered.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 16, 2021

#10 A 3 year old’s reality actually isn’t reality

My 3 year old is SCREAMING because a car just like my wife's passed us on the freeway and she wants to tell her hi. Did I mention that we just dropped my wife off at work? Did I mention that we are in my wife's car?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) April 7, 2021

#11 No child wants anything until it isn’t theirs!

My son just told me that he LOVES the new toy trucks they got at daycare. They are his toy trucks. We donated them because he refused to play with them.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 26, 2021

#12 He’s still probably better than my Internet guy…

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he's here installing high speed internet.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 10, 2021

#13 That whole reality thing also applies at age 4 too

Well, my son just got out of bed and came downstairs because he can't sleep with his head on. He requested that I pull it off. If that one's on your parenting BINGO card, take a drink. Hell, let's all have a drink.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) December 23, 2020

#14 THEY ALWAYS NEED TO PRESS BUTTONS

It was the best of times, it was the accidentally-pushed-the-elevator-button-before-offering-to-let-your-toddler-push-it of times.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 24, 2020

#15 Ok but don’t tell them that, go have some you time

My 2 year old and 4 year old have been communicating via walkie talkie for twenty minutes. They're in the same room. The walkie talkies have no batteries. Over.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 3, 2020

#16 No caption needed…

There's no limit to a child's imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can't make another one because we're all out of pretend bread.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 26, 2020

#17 Believe me kid, if we could only send you Up on a seesaw, we would’ve by now

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
- only wants to go up on the seesaw, not down
- I wouldn't serve her hot ice cream
- her shadow is copying her
- doesn't want to have bones anymore

How about your kid?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 18, 2020

#18 In the end though, kids are still the real amateurs

Last night my son asked if I'd ever heard of a pillow fight. I said I had not, so he explained the premise & asked if I would play. I awkwardly held a pillow as he gave me pointers through a smile that lit up the room. My first swing took him off his feet. He never saw it coming.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 23, 2020

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