Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO

Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do

— Count Badonkula (@Mom_Overboard) October 8, 2022

one day you’re young and fun and next thing you know you’re excited to use the new bath mat you purchased

— Adam (@adamgreattweet) March 12, 2024

10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.

Me: It’s 6 am.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) October 11, 2022

I could really use one of those naps where you wake up and have no idea if it’s even the same day.

— Twinstant Family (@twinstantfamily) October 10, 2022

When my wife says "You know I've been thinking" there's a 85% chance we're going to end up in a store.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 11, 2022

I just had to text a mom I’ve never even met to ask if her daughter is available for a play date. Our kids have no idea the hardships we endure for them.

— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) October 10, 2022

I get to run an ice breaker at the staff meeting today and I'm just gonna have everyone share their Kate Middleton theories.

— your other mom (@difficultpatty) March 13, 2024

Shoutout to all the parents that had to dig your child’s soccer jersey out of the hamper today because you forgot to wash it this week

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 8, 2022

Spent another $376 at Costco because we are very serious about saving money.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 12, 2022

Sorry I’m late, I was closing all the tabs I had open on my phone.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) March 14, 2024

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey's Anatomy starts.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 10, 2024

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still runs away from the monsters when I turn off the basement lights.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) March 10, 2024

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

— Adam (@adamgreattweet) March 9, 2024

My boyfriend left a note on the refrigerator that said “this isn’t working” but I don’t know what he’s talking about, it works just fine

— Cooper Lawrence (@CooperLawrence) March 7, 2024

the people who say exercising only needs to take up 30 minutes of your day clearly aren’t taking into account the two hours u need to sit in ur workout clothes and hype urself up

— chase (@_chase_____) March 16, 2024