.png)
.svg){kind=small}
It's my favorite time of the week! And by that I mean it's time to have a good laugh in just 280 characters or less. So, grab your reading glasses and get ready to dive into the world of witty one-liners because let's face it, life is just too short to take everything seriously! Here we go:
#1
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) March 17, 2024
#2
Guys... I just canceled a free trial subscription BEFORE the trial period ended and the charges hit my card. Please fucking clap.
— 🍹 Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock (@kimmie_c_) March 17, 2024
#3
Texts with my teen while she’s on Spring Break:
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) March 16, 2024
Me: Hope you have a great time, love you!
Daughter:
Me: How’s the beach?
Daughter:
Me: Hope your week is good. Send pics!
Daughter:
Me: See you in a couple days!
Daughter: Can you add money to my account?
#4
I cancelled a dentist appointment while eating a KitKat. This is what being an adult is all about.
— Adam 🎸 (@YSylon) March 19, 2024
#5
Good luck "private number," I haven't answered my phone for a number I know since 2013.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) March 20, 2024
#6
Preteen daughter: Would you say you’re more rustic, bohemian, or cottagecore?
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) March 20, 2024
Me: I’m 42. That’s it. That’s my style.
#7
i’m 25, my knee 41, my shoulders 54, my back turns 72 tomorrow
— Chris Coro (@iamchriscoro) March 18, 2024
#8
I never think twice about my decisions. 37 times, yes, but never twice.
— LL Gabagool Jay (@JayTorch1031) March 20, 2024
#9
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 20, 2024
Me: I'm 40. I don't need to know that anymore.
#10
No one told me having teens would require a subscription on Amazon for silverware.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) March 19, 2024
#11
I get it Kate, I’m also hiding in the bathroom from my family
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) March 21, 2024
#12
Overnight: tossing, turning, feeling hot, then cold, and uncomfortable.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) March 21, 2024
Alarm goes off: Your bed has never felt more comfortable.
#13
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
— Nayele18 (@nayele18maybe) March 21, 2024
#14
if you’re on a boeing flight it’s not cringe anymore to clap when the plane lands.
— ally (@missmayn) March 16, 2024
#15
Me: (comforting my 8yo) I’m a grownup and I still need help sometimes
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) March 20, 2024
8yo: (perking up) like that time you asked daddy to help us with my math?
#16
I’m not a morning or night person. I identify as lunch.
— Kellalena (@topaz_kell) March 19, 2024
#17
My first reaction after stepping on the scale and realizing I've gained a couple pounds - well I did some yard work, could it be muscle?
— Jono (@whoinvitedjon) March 20, 2024
#18
I do not have “anger management” issues. I have “why can’t people act like they are supposed to?” issues.
— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) March 19, 2024
#19
My 6yo is making me play guess-what-dinosaur-I'm-thinking-of. There are no clues, and no winners
— meghan (@deloisivete) March 21, 2024
#20
Keep your cholesterol low by making sure your blood's always boiling
— Natalie Would (@_NatalieWould) March 21, 2024
#21
just went to the bathroom without a phone or iPad like some sort of pilgrim.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) March 17, 2024
