*discussing weekend with coworkers*

“We went to the beach”
“We went camping”
“We went out on the boat”

Me: I had a manic episode and rearranged my house.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 4, 2025

have you ever been 3 seconds from a psychotic break because you can't get your necklace or bracelet hooked

— ً (@hieireen) August 2, 2025

TV shows should be legally required to disclose on episode 1 if it was later cancelled abruptly with a cliffhanger ending.

We finished season 2 of a series and it was so good that I googled season 3 release date and WHATDOYOUMEAN it was cancelled in 2023?

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) August 5, 2025

Unfortunately, diet, exercise, and waking up at the crack of dawn DOES dramatically improve the quality of your life.

— miaysha (@miaysha) August 5, 2025

My daughter came downstairs and offered me a piece of candy. She was learning to share, and I was proud. Moments later my son cried out, “Hey! Who ate all of my candy?!?”

“We did!” my daughter exclaimed. She was learning to share blame, and I was even prouder.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 4, 2025

"when i was your age, i survived a pandemic and didn't leave my house for 2 years. you'll be ok if you don't go out tonight" will be my favorite line i'll use on my future kids

— ✧ (@cessonmute) August 3, 2025

i like having conversations with kids. grownups never ask me what my third favorite color is

— alora (@alorazei) August 3, 2025

someone stole my debit card info and spent $600 at Barnes n Noble in new york. what kinda academic thug ass shit is this

— ea (@lannnary) August 2, 2025

Husband: If I die, will you remarry?

Wife: Um, probably.

Husband: Will you let him use my golf clubs?

Wife: Don't be stupid, he's left handed.

Husband:......

— mariana Z (@mariana057) August 8, 2025

I don't know who needs to hear this, but your dog can stay home for the hour you're at the grocery store or restaurant.

— Ⓣ︎Ⓐ︎Ⓡ︎Ⓐ︎ (@hawk_lovr) August 4, 2025

Once you turn 25 years and above, there is no need to set an alarm. Your problems will wake you up by force.

— Ja Leto (@_falsi1ke) August 3, 2025

sending instacart to costco on sunday afternoon is like sending a mercenary into an active civil war

— law dog, esq. (@ggooooddddoogg) August 3, 2025

29% of all accidents are caused by speeding.

That means 71% are caused by driving the speed limit.

Statistically it's safer to speed... Keep it up guys

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) August 6, 2025

10yo: my friend has a girlfriend.

me: would you like to have a girlfriend, too?

10yo: no way, I would rather have fun.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) August 6, 2025

You can tell a lot about a person by the voice they use when they're mocking you.

— Darla (@ddsmidt) August 2, 2025