In my closet are clothes for five different women in three sizes for all seasons and not a single thing for me

— Dx: Moonstruck (@moonstruckinnyc) August 13, 2025

When I say, “I have to be someplace,” what I mean is, “I want to go home.”

— Mac Dickson (@MacDicksonShow) August 7, 2025

My husband told me that he used my sock trick on a recent trip so he wouldn't lose any. Reader, my "sock trick" is rolling matching pairs together

— meghan (@deloisivete) August 10, 2025

please keep my 10 yo in your thoughts and prayers. He left his electronics at my sister's house an hour away and he has *checks notes* "nothing to do anymore but stare at a stupid wall".

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 10, 2025

Ok I cheated in school but I did it the hard way and without AI

— Natalie (@jbfan911) August 8, 2025

call me old fashioned but when I see a stroller I expect to see a baby in it and not a dog that looks like it could get bullied by a guinea pig

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 11, 2025

Eating the rest of the donuts will keep me from eating donuts tomorrow. My logic is flawless.

— Julio, Marc's Imaginary Pet Monkey (@MonkeysMarch) August 9, 2025

Now that I’m in my 40s I know why everyone says it’s the best decade. It’s not because something magical happens. It’s because you stop giving anymore fucks.

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 12, 2025

i love being in bed like yeah everything is terrible but at least i’m in bed

— mood (@reidahad) August 8, 2025

This family has a lot of nerve wearing all these clothes after I just did laundry.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 9, 2025

I like to crank the ac in my bedroom and pretend I’m in a hotel room

— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) August 9, 2025

I’m still waiting for life to get to the “merrily, merrily, merrily” part.

— Darla (@ddsmidt) August 8, 2025

Husband: If I die, will you remarry?

Wife: Um, probably.

Husband: Will you let him use my golf clubs?

Wife: Don't be stupid, he's left handed.

Husband:......

— mariana Z (@mariana057) August 8, 2025

I’m pretty good with money unless I leave my house or have access to the internet

— Ghostface Kryllah (@kryzazzy) August 7, 2025

I like to play a game called “Getting healthy or DUI?” every time I see a guy my age on a bicycle

— Wilbur Oscar (@BeerDadWiseAss) August 8, 2025

When you’re unsure what to buy the person who has everything, just buy yourself something instead.

— Forward March (@RunOldMan) August 8, 2025

My ability to remember song lyrics from the ’90’s far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the garage

— Mr.Carter (@dexteristwisted) August 7, 2025