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#1
the doctor this morning asked my 16 yo if he's recently had surgery or been hospitalized. He said "I don't know. I don't think so"
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 21, 2025
bro what.
#2
When I was younger I really thought ants stealing food from my picnic was going to be a bigger issue in life
— Katie (@ALadyNamedKatie) August 18, 2025
#3
My signature move is writing “please see attached” and then confidently hitting send with absolutely nothing attached.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) August 20, 2025
#4
Microwaves be like: here is your hot plate of cold rice
— Bola Montana (@borlah_m) August 15, 2025
#5
I would pay extra for a dental hygienist who was comfortable with silence.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) August 20, 2025
#6
Always on the struggle bus, never the struggle yacht.
— SD (@StupiDucker) August 20, 2025
#7
Everyone I know is taking Ozempic and I’m over here slowly turning into Winnie the Pooh.
— Mommy Needs a Life (@momneedsalife3) August 19, 2025
#8
Who needs a birkin when you have a slice of buttered bread??? pic.twitter.com/LeugNjZJzf
— Catholic Supremacist (Not a man) (@CatholicAwesome) August 15, 2025
#9
My husband had to take the Wonderlic Cognitive Ability Assessment test for fantasy football to determine draft order and his score was so surprising (low) he had me take it and when my score was higher than his he said, “There is no way this is accurate.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) August 17, 2025
I beg your pardon?
#10
My teen shut location sharing off on her phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1978-1987.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 18, 2025
#11
I should be able to override the do not disturb setting when I have something really funny to say
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) August 20, 2025
#12
Sorry we’re late, my toddler would only get dressed in his green pants this morning.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 18, 2025
He doesn’t have any green pants.
#13
onion rings? I’m answering
— damn ass rock (@nmjcu) August 21, 2025
#14
18- I’m literally an adult now
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 22, 2025
Me- ok
18- Stop treating me like a child
Me- ok
18- Just butter on my noodles though
Me- ok
#15
Dating after 40 is like trying to find the least damaged item at the thrift store that doesn't smell.
— mariana Z (@mariana057) August 17, 2025
