My son came downstairs all dressed for kindergarten and he was so excited to show everyone his CRAZY new shirt with a pocket on the back that I didn't have the heart to tell him.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 25, 2021

Last night my son asked if I'd ever heard of a pillow fight. I said I had not, so he explained the premise & asked if I would play. I awkwardly held a pillow as he gave me pointers through a smile that lit up the room. My first swing took him off his feet. He never saw it coming.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 23, 2020

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker's house last night. I guess he hadn't mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, "I'm the food police. I'm making sure everyone is eating their vegetables." That broccoli was gone, man.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 16, 2021

I've convinced my kids that they can hypnotize me to fall asleep when I'm chasing them and it's their new favorite game. I'll literally lay down for a 10-minute nap in the hallway and they won't bug me because it "breaks their spell." It's my greatest win as a parent thus far.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 27, 2021

My 2 year old and 4 year old have been communicating via walkie talkie for twenty minutes. They're in the same room. The walkie talkies have no batteries. Over.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 3, 2020

My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend's name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, "MY FRIEND MIKE?!?" Yes, I'm having drinks with a preschooler, then we're getting matching tattoos.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 6, 2022

My wife and I announce when we're going to the bathroom, but it's more a way of saying, "I'm not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it's all your fault."

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 29, 2018

We're shopping for a car today and my 5 year old brought along her favorite mug to test the cup holders.
“Hmmmmmm...this one may not be a good fit for our family," a voice of concern emanates from the back seat.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) September 1, 2023

Welcome to your 40s. The DJ at this grocery store is spinning nothing but hits.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 18, 2023

I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card. It sends the message that education is a priority in our household and it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 29, 2018

Getting someone pregnant makes you a father. Secretly bending the hose your kid is using so the water stops flowing then suggesting that the hose must be broken and encouraging them to look inside as you release the pressure and set Old Faithful off in their face makes you a dad.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 19, 2022

Last night, my 3 year old kicked me during a tantrum. As I tucked him in bed later, he apologized. "I'll never kick you again," he said, pulling me in closer and kissing my cheek. "Just do exactly what I tell you to do and I'll never have to kick you again." My son is a mobster.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 4, 2019