my toddler loves pizza and loves bagels so I figured I'd notch an easy win and make him his first pizza bagel and holy shit I've never been so wrong in my life

— Ben Purkert (@BenPurkert) March 19, 2023

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) March 21, 2023

My kid would like me to make her a turkey sandwich, but not with the turkey that can fly, with the turkey that’s a circle

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) March 21, 2023

Before kids: “My KiDs WiLL eAt wHaT I GiVe ThEm.”

Two kids in: “What do you want for lunch? A bowl of ketchup with a side of melted ice cream? Ok, here you go.”

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 23, 2023

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 24, 2023

My 7yo corrected my grammar while I was on a business call in case you were on the fence about having kids.

— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) March 24, 2023

7, snuggling against me and inhaling:

“I didn’t know women could also get B.O. too.”

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) March 24, 2023

my favorite activity as a parent is taking my kids to the playground to get them out of the house so i can sit and be with 217 kids instead of just my 3.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 23, 2023

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) March 23, 2023

My daughter is texting me in acronyms again and I can actually feel my body decaying

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) March 23, 2023

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us like a lunatic but now I know that’s the only way children can hear you.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) March 22, 2023

Nobody warns you that when you have kids that you suddenly become an event planner

— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) March 23, 2023