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#1
the teacher asked my kindergartner what his favorite season was and he said “garlic salt”
— 🦂Stay at Home Meh 🌵 (@caseyjparker) August 26, 2022
#2
Someday, God willing, I will attend my children’s weddings, refuse to eat what they serve and demand butter noodles and nuggets.
— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) July 17, 2022
#3
My daughter said she can’t wait to have kids. I asked her why and she said “so they can bring me stuff when it’s in another room.”
— Holly Ballantine (@HollyBallantine) March 19, 2022
#4
before becoming a parent i didn't know i could ruin someone's life by providing them with food, water, juice, clothes, entertainment and shelter for free.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 8, 2022
#5
My wife and I are starting an Escape Room franchise where groups of strangers have to get our 3 kids under age 5 dressed and out of the room in one hour
— The Dad (@thedad) November 11, 2022
#6
Thoughts and prayers for my 12-year-old.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 16, 2022
I asked her to replace the toilet paper roll and now she's now in tears because she has to do everything around here.
#7
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) November 8, 2022
#8
my six year old wanted me to pretend to be her mom and i said “i am your mom” and she said “but like, a cool young fun mom”
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) November 9, 2022
im glad i tore up my body to birth her just to get shredded to pieces like that
#9
My teen- *with a mouthful of burger and fries* Must be nice to be an adult and do whatever you want
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) November 3, 2022
Me- *picking at my salad and holding the bill*- Yeah, it’s been a real treat
#10
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you'd want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) November 9, 2022
#11
I’ve never won the lottery but I once made a dinner that all three kids enjoyed at the same time
— three time dad 🇺🇦 (@threetimedaddy) November 15, 2022
#12
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
— Be Kind Of Witty (@bekindofwitty) January 25, 2022
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
#13
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
— Abraham Gutman (@abgutman) January 23, 2022
#14
I witnessed a father and son bonding moment, but it was just my husband teaching my son the wrong way to load the dishwasher.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) January 26, 2022
#15
if you like starting your day with a 1000 question pop quiz then parenting might be for you
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) January 24, 2022
#16
Tried to complain to my mom about the difficulties of raising a stubborn child and her eyes rolled so far back in her head I don’t think they’re ever coming back
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) February 24, 2022
#17
My daughter can't find her glasses, her shoes, or her backpack, but she can spot a sliver of onion in a bowl of rice from 10 feet away.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) February 24, 2022
#18
the day I’ve longed for since the FIRST DAY I became a parent is finally here!!!my daughter is old enough to go get me stuff from the other room
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) February 19, 2022
#19
There are two types of mom friends: those who text after 8 PM and those who text before 8 AM.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 21, 2022
#20
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 19, 2022
Marriage is easy.
#21
You either have a kid who never wants to shower or a kid who takes hour long showers every day. There is no in between.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) February 20, 2022
#22
I was having problems with my work computer so I called my IT guy and he was like, “You really need to stop calling me when I’m at school, Mom.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 3, 2022
#23
Told my kids they had to share a donut and they whipped out a ruler, protractor, scale, and magnifying glass
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) March 3, 2022
#24
My husband went down the stairs first not knowing that our toddler wanted to go down the stairs first. Thoughts and prayers at this difficult time.
— Dr Áine Mahon (@AineMarieMahon) March 29, 2022
#25
No parenting book tells you how to get pudding out of the charging port of an iPad.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 3, 2022
#26
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the first time your kid is able to read public restroom graffiti.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) February 25, 2022
#27
My husband told me that we need an apartment so the kids have the house, we have the apartment, and we take turns taking care of them.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) March 3, 2022
I can’t tell if he’s brilliant or if he’s trying to divorce me.
#28
Parenting: because sleep is unnecessary and who needs money
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) March 7, 2022
#29
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named "Internet." I said no way, that can't be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we've been having this discussion.
— Brianne M. Kohl (@BrianneKohl) March 18, 2022
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
#30
My son is complaining about the wind - “I’m getting sky in my ear!”
— Caroline Bird (@CarolineBirdUK) March 12, 2022
#31
My 2.5yo goes to daycare with identical twins named Maria and Aurelia but she calls them Maria and "More Maria"
— Elise Shanbacker (@lizziellen) March 18, 2022
#32
My 4yo walking in to the dentist office shouting “ABCDEF U AND YOUR MOM AND YOUR SISTER AND YOUR JOB” was admittedly not my finest parenting moment
— MarylandMomma🧡 (@_MomToAPrincess) March 21, 2022
#33
Day 4 at the new school.
— Karol Markowicz (@karol) January 10, 2022
Me: "Your teacher emailed us that she'd like to meet us. Is this good news or bad news?"
My 8yo: "Hmmm. Really depends what time that email was sent."
#34
Today my 5 year-old asked me which solar system Planet Fitness was in, and I had to leave the room.
— 🍁Yukon Cornelius (@GrahamKritzer) April 18, 2022
#35
My wife opened the fridge door and said “why is there a Lego box in here?” The answer is kids. It’s always kids.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) April 17, 2022
#36
Are you even parenting if you're reading a bedtime story to your kid and not skipping pages?
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) May 7, 2022
#37
5 paused the movie she was watching, handed me the remote and said “while I’m playing, you can watch something” in case you were wondering who’s in charge around here.
— Marissa 💚💛 (@michimama75) May 11, 2022
#38
Get married and have kids so you can spend your life repeating every single thing you say
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) May 10, 2022
#39
Little kids are creepy. My 5-year-old likes to draw faces on eggs before she cracks them. As she cracks them she likes to say "goodbye my babies." This person lives in my house.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) June 30, 2022
#40
7: 3 is giving me the finger
— kidversations (@kidversations_) June 27, 2022
Me: he doesn’t know what that means
7: yes he does, I taught him
#41
My son's teacher sent images of all the jackets and hoodies left behind in his class at the end of the school year. 4 out of 5 of them belonged to my kid
— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) June 28, 2022
#42
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 27, 2022
#43
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
— Dad Set Against (@DadSetAgainst) July 17, 2022
#44
Took kids swimming and there were loads of people there. My 5 year old squeezed my hand and said “Daddy, I don’t do busy” and I’ve never related to him more
— three time dad 🇺🇦 (@threetimedaddy) July 17, 2022
#45
Me: You wanna watch the baseball game with me?
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) August 25, 2022
Teen daughter: No. I don’t like baseball.
Me: I didn’t like Little Mermaid, but I watched it 1,387 times. Now, go get your hat and jersey on.
#46
My 3yo niece wanted me to pretend I was her baby.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) September 22, 2022
When I pretended to cry she promptly put a pillow over my face and told me sshhh.
Kids are terrifying.
#47
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said 'The Loan Shark' so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
— 🍁Yukon Cornelius (@GrahamKritzer) September 21, 2022
#48
As a parent I really look forward to the time I get to myself, in between my child’s bedtime and when I go to sleep. All 7 minutes of it.
— Laura is Xmas body ready (@ericamorecambe) September 21, 2022
#49
My son called the butter shelf in the fridge the dairy penthouse and there is no other name for it now.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) October 25, 2022
#50
Always nice to see my son’s apple return home from it’s daily school outing
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) October 26, 2022
